January 2012
1 post
October 2011
3 posts
Quote of the Day
“Your vagina is like a Rubik’s cube. When I’m solving it, it’s awesome, but then it breaks, and I get sad.”
August 2011
1 post
May 2011
1 post
Father/Daughter Moment
Dad: You sound like a crackhead (referring to my sniffles caused by allergies).
Me: I would be much more likely to do coke than crack.
Dad: I never did figure out what the difference between crack and coke is.
Me: Seriously? Would you like me to explain it to you?
Dad: Please do.
March 2011
1 post
“Have a good…Be safe…and whatever!”
– My dad on his way out to drive to Cali
February 2011
2 posts
“I’m just going to shove this fruit somewhere.”
beavers
My dad: If you noticed it [referring to the beaver figurine on my desk] was out of place, it’s because I took it and placed it next to my computer last night.
Me: Okay…
My dad: With you being gone so much, I have taken to talking to it. For example, (bad imitation of a beaver’s voice) “What are you having for dinner tonight?” (return to normal voice) “Oh, you...
January 2011
2 posts
work haiku #13
Six transfers from Toys -
“Why did we keep you around?”
Go be productive.
Creepiest Serial Killer
NAME: John Wayne Gacy (AKA The Killer Clown)
ACTIVITY/ # OF VICTIMS: 33 (1972-1978)
CHILDHOOD: He was a timid boy who was openly criticized by his father for wanting to play with girls and garden with his mother.
ADULTHOOD: He was a community and business leader as well as a clown for kids’ parties. He was charged with sexual assaulting two young boys and spent a year in prison, missing his...
December 2010
3 posts
Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Fire Me
I let nice people use all of their coupons or give them some of the ones that have already been used.
I tell customers upon purchasing a breast pump that they can rent one from the hospital for much less money.
I have purposely not gotten things done just because I didn’t feel like it.
I tell stories to my coworkers, often ignoring customers.
Whenever a customer goes into rage mode, I...
Top 5 Reasons Why I Should Be Fired
I text at guest service, sometimes ignoring customers.
I have walked away from customers who looked like they were going to ask me a question.
I have denied customers coupons if they are rude.
I have made faces (on camera) behind customers’ backs.
I have trash-talked my managers in front of/with customers.
When parents text
Me: This class is awesome so far!
My dad: wait til u find out that your prof is a convicted pervert hahaha
September 2010
2 posts
texts from last night #2
“Please buy daddy some milkduds before u come home PLEASE love crackhead”
texts from last night
Me: The flames are on at the Atlantis!
My dad: OMG, call the fire department! Love you.
August 2010
1 post
“I may or may not be borderline obsessive.”
– My dad (on a woman he works with)
July 2010
2 posts
work haiku #12
Dan is leaving, too.
Two new managers = trouble.
They need to learn fast!
May 2010
3 posts
work haiku #11
Three nights, < 15 hours
Scheduling is all wrong now.
No growth in savings…
April 2010
9 posts
“Not only am I an ass-man, I’m an asshole.”
– My dad (on what he likes most about a woman’s body and his own personality)
Day Four
The Child Is Gone - Fiona Apple
I usually only listen to Fiona Apple if I am already sad, but sometimes I’m just in the mood for slower music, and this song always catches me off-guard.
Honey, help me out of this mess/I’m a stranger to myself/But don’t reach for me, I’m too far away/I don’t wanna talk ‘cause there’s nothing left to say
March 2010
6 posts
“You are cootie-izing my home.”
– my dad (on my coming over while I’m sick)
misinterpretation
Alex: Look, there’s your man. He didn’t do that great last year, but there he is.
Me: That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think? I mean, he died, but he was doing pretty well for himself.
We were at Walmart. Alex was looking at a TV with Eli Manning on the screen; I was looking at a TV with Michael Jackson on the screen.
work haiku #10
Drama and more dra-
(not baby mama drama)
new coworkers please
second job haiku #4
Inconsiderate…
I stayed ‘til three in the morn.
Happily, I quit.
February 2010
5 posts
second job haiku #3
I don’t get paid to
wait and wait and wait and wait.
More complaints abound.
second job haikus #1&2
I get paid to wait.
Nobody likes this job now.
And wait and wait and…
But I need the cash
for thousand dollar couches
and half deposits.
“No one’s gonna call the cops on God.”
– a movie I watched in my psychology class
January 2010
2 posts
work haiku #9
Only night shifts?
I don’t wanna go to work…
Go home early? Yes!
Wannabe Scam Artists
It amazes me that people can walk into a store and think that they are better (smarter, faster) than the employees that work there. That said, don’t try to bullshit me at work. No, you did not hand me an extra twenty dollar bill when you were checking out, so I’m not going to give you one. Learn how to manage your money better. No, you cannot return something that isn’t from our...
December 2009
1 post
“Whoops, I typed payless hoes by mistake. Wait, no, that spells payless shoes....”
– Alex
November 2009
4 posts
game night
Scattergories:
Things you keep hidden (W) - wife
Four letter words (T) - tits
Things that are sticky (D) - dick
mandatory meeting at work, parte dos
We were treated to two hours of fun-filled trivia last night. My team won because I always rock at Jeopardy, and we won a coffee mug each! And then, we enjoyed a lovely performance involving the checkout experience. Here is a list of all the questions we are supposed to be asking:
1. Did you find everything you were looking for?
2. Are you shopping off the baby registry?
2.5 Are these items...
“Here at Babies R Us, we hate babies and only sell products that will result in...”
Halloween at work
“Nice legs! Are you wearing shorts under that?”
-a male coworker who may or may not have been hitting on me
“Wow, it’s Wonder Woman!”
-a female customer who apparently did not know who Snow White is
“Look, honey, it’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves! Boy, Snow White sure has been naughty.”
-an older male customer who thought I was pregnant...
October 2009
4 posts
“Join Shaq, Give Back!”
– the latest pin we are required to wear at work